138

Almost a month since I updated this - but I have had some major issues this month !!! Good news though I have made it 138-- my goal is 130 and I am almost there---it has been a struggle though. Definitely not easy !! I have had days when I just want to eat and eat with no regard to how sick it will make me. But I am learning new ways to cope with that head hunger. I have started a hobby of coloring -- I bought myself some really nice color pencils and ordered some coloring books that are geared for adults--so when I feel like eating I color.. I have some crossword and search and find books as well and they help keep me occupied. This week I hope to get back to an exercise routine .
 The first week of February , we found out I was pregnant by total surprise --then 4 days later the Dr told me I was miscarrying. I kind of had a feeling when I found out that it wasn't normal , I thought maybe it was my subconscious protecting me, but I guess my body just knew- I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen and wanted to cry but I just knew --can't explain the feeling I had.. I thought I could handle the loss when the inevitable started, but WOW it brought me to my knees and knocked the breath out of me --I tried so hard to be strong - but I couldn't !!!!!!!!!
  Now I am thinking that the weight loss , really helped my fertility and PCOS issues, because I have never conceived on my own without fertility meds - and I am not sure if I wanted to know that I was pregnant, because now of course I have the will this happen again or was this a one time thing and never gonna happen again !!! Sometimes mother nature can be cruel -- Guess I will focus on the positive and try to be healthy and hope for the best.