failure

Well I feel like a total failure right now. I have GAINED weight-- yep it is slowing creeping back up to 150  I weigh 147 ..... I am so ashamed of yself for wasting the opportunity to learn better nutritional skills. It is all 100% my fault and it is from my crappy eating habits and lack of exercise. It is so true when they tell you that this surgery isn't a magical answer and that it still takes effort and work. I eat something that I  know isn't healthy and think ah what the heck I am not gonna gain weight , but oh boy was I wrong. I am positive that my stomach is now stretched out and before long I will be back up to 200 lbs with a sleeve pouch !!!

Fail

What a failure today's diet was-- I ate powdered sugar donuts ??? Yes seriously ---I realize that there are so many people who would never abuse the chance to have this surgery the way I have, and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I tried to use a juicer and it's just not going to be my thing , I thought it would help me get more fruits and veggies, but I think it is just to much of a hassle to prepare and clean up . I need to stop eating the crappy way that I do and start working on the protein and veggie intake.
  I had to have about 3 inches of my hair cut off today, thanks to the nutrients that I haven't been giving my hair it looks like a mess of straw,, it really does. If I had any regrets about he surgery this would be the only one, My hair just looks so unhealthy and I use salon shampoos and try to take hair vitamins. It has just begun to grow and the process isn't that much fun. I am using some shampoo form and indian grocery store that is stopping the hair fall in the shower and I feel like it is why I have the new growth

Still on plateau

So here I am still not losing and it is all my fault.... I haven't changed my eating habits and in fact they have gotten worse , and are pretty much the same as before the surgery .YEAH I think I am going to be the statistical % THAT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR . I drink soda eat junk food and carbs like I was never an overweight person. The only difference is I space t out because my stomach can't hole as much as it once could --So many people can't have this surgery and would never abuse the chance and look at my ungrateful ways.. feeling like a total failure today . I step on the scale and get sad and mad at myself and do nothing to change it. --SO if you are reading this please take the counseling session seriously and tell the truth, because I truly feel that I needed more counseling or on going counseling afterwards -to address the emotional eating and willpower when it comes to food.  I do know that I put on a cute outfit and it feels so good to wear those outfits that in that moment I want to eat healthy and lose more weight - but when I am in the moment and see the chocolate or donuts I can't stop myself from buying them

SO I am comletely stalled at 140 --- I go back and forth between 136 and 140 and have forthe past month- I am positive that my eating habits are the main reason why it has stalled . I know I can do better and yes I have eaten chocolate and drank soda more often than I should, I am changing that today and will not buy another soda to have in the house . I will only allow myself that as a treat occassionally. I have also not been buying snack foods, however when my husband went to the store the other day to pick up my medication after my D & C procedure he brought home a teddy bear and tow very big hershey bars !!! I wonder if he is just being sweet or if he is trying to sabotage my efforts ? I know that I don't have to eat them just because he brings them . My willpower isn't that strong though . I am working on that
 I did buy chia seeds to try and some natural penaut butter from earth fare , I really like the peanut butter with pretzels and it is much better for me that the jar brands are. Plus it has more protein and less hydrogenated fats. The chia seeds I mixed in my scrambled eggs and had them for breakfast, I honestly felt full after just a few bites and didn't eat that much for the rest of the day. Gonna try these again today in a bowl of organice flax cereal and see if i get the same filling benefits as I did yesterday, Plus they have lots of healthy nutrients too . Gonna work on this new eating for life plan one day at a time !

UH+OH

Ok my diet hasNOT been good this week or last week either. I have been ''grazing'' which they warn us about in all the support groups and pre surgical meetings.. And i got on the scale this morning and GASP I have gained one pound and 3 ounces-- yes I knwo it could be water weight because I am constipated and bloated - but as anyone else who has struggled with weight issues will know I am so disappointed in myself- todays plan is to get back on track and stay there. Yesterday at the grocery store I did not buy anything that would be an easy quick grab snack , I have decided to try and use the things here that I have and save some money- plus if I have to get up in the middle of the night for a snack, I have very few choices - a spoon of peanut butter - because the other options are more complicated , and in the middle of the night I want a quick and easy snack . I think that was a wise choice . I was up last night searching through the cabinets and grabbed a few swallows of cold water and back to bed. Felt much better about that decision this morning.  I am making Aiden Jello with fruit today for his snacks and I will put some in a small bowl that I can eat.

good week

Last week was a good week, I did very good on portion control and worked hard on adding healthy alternatives to as many recipes as i could. My latest obsession is flaxseed meal,which is reported to have as much lignans as 30 cups of broccoli in just 2 tablespoons ...
 I wanted to add some strength training exercises but I am still not feeling too great since the miscarriage and still having some tiredness from all the blood loss

138

Almost a month since I updated this - but I have had some major issues this month !!! Good news though I have made it 138-- my goal is 130 and I am almost there---it has been a struggle though. Definitely not easy !! I have had days when I just want to eat and eat with no regard to how sick it will make me. But I am learning new ways to cope with that head hunger. I have started a hobby of coloring -- I bought myself some really nice color pencils and ordered some coloring books that are geared for adults--so when I feel like eating I color.. I have some crossword and search and find books as well and they help keep me occupied. This week I hope to get back to an exercise routine .
 The first week of February , we found out I was pregnant by total surprise --then 4 days later the Dr told me I was miscarrying. I kind of had a feeling when I found out that it wasn't normal , I thought maybe it was my subconscious protecting me, but I guess my body just knew- I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen and wanted to cry but I just knew --can't explain the feeling I had.. I thought I could handle the loss when the inevitable started, but WOW it brought me to my knees and knocked the breath out of me --I tried so hard to be strong - but I couldn't !!!!!!!!!
  Now I am thinking that the weight loss , really helped my fertility and PCOS issues, because I have never conceived on my own without fertility meds - and I am not sure if I wanted to know that I was pregnant, because now of course I have the will this happen again or was this a one time thing and never gonna happen again !!! Sometimes mother nature can be cruel -- Guess I will focus on the positive and try to be healthy and hope for the best.

L-A-Z-Y

It's been a long time since i have posted anything-- just have been extremely lazy and unmotivated about doing this.
 My weight is now 141 and it keeps going up to 144 and then back down, I don't know why because I can't eat much more however, I have been sipping on soda and I know that's why. I am working on no more soda and trying to keep a bottle of water with me at all time, hoping that it will keep me hydrated and full.
I have also been able to stop the hair loss, I have been using a shampoo that I purchased a an Idian grocery store here near me. It contains AMLA and some other wholesome ingredients, which have obviously been doing their job. And buying them from the Indian store compared to ordering from amazon is much cheaper. I can't keep any large size vitamins down at the moment. I tried the skin hair and nails vitamins, but they are huge and within a few minutes of ingesting them the nausea is overwhelming. I have now noticed that my nails are very fragile and thin. I am going to try to get the vitamins to stay down because this is a bit painful , they keep breaking and I can't keep nail polish on for more than a day no matter what I try or how much I pay for the manicure supplies.